I nicknamed her “Smiley.” I didn’t know her real name for the longest time, but early on I pegged her as a top contender for the grand prize in ABC’s reality hit “True Beauty.”
For those who don’t watch reality TV (or won’t admit to it as shamelessly as I do), here’s the premise of the show: Gather together a bunch of hot-looking people and have them compete in a series of ridiculous competitions to win a wad of cash, a photo spread in People magazine, “most beautiful person in America.” What they didn’t know – and the viewers at home did know, was that there were hidden cameras following them everywhere. See, the judges weren’t looking just for outer beauty – but inner beauty as well. Naturally this led to all sorts of trouble as the so-called beautiful people showed their shallow colors, never in on the joke. Then, each week, a crying “beauty” would go home blaming bad editing , rather than bad behavior, for his or her tactless performance.
“I am a wonderful person” the contestant would inevitably snivel. Sure you are – you’re charming as hell when it’ll work for you. Ah, but Smiley, she was a wise one. Sure, she wasn’t as entertaining to watch as the rest of the cast, who behaved so badly we were grateful to see their pretty portraits ceremoniously tossed in the trash as they were shown the door.
No, Smiley played the game a different way. Maybe she didn’t know the judges (and viewers) were watching her every move and setting up hidden challenges to entrap evildoers, but she was wise enough to realize that she was on TV. She knew that no amount of “bad editing” would make her look evil if she didn’t – well – do anything bad. What a refreshing thought. We could all learn a lot from Smiley.
Sure, it’s a reality show, but it’s not as if the Smiley strategy is an invention of reality TV. Most of us learned or heard about it once upon a time. Most of us learned some form of The Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Most of us have heard it - but how many of us have really reflected on what that means? How many of have conveniently reworded this golden rule into something more self-serving, such as “Do unto others – if it’s useful to you.”
The golden rule is open to interpretation – every person has a different idea of how he or she would want to be treated. But I’m willing to wager we all want to be treated with kind sincerity and common courtesy regardless of our “rank” in any real or perceived social hierarchy. I harbor an idealistic vision that people can and will like me for who I am – not what they think I can do for them. Yet there’s a reason why so many “True Beauty” contestants were snared on tape mistreating gardeners and coffee gofers. They may be shinier, prettier and more openly obnoxious than most humans – but beneath the surface they’re as flawed as the rest of us.
We are all fallible. We treat respect and kindness like precious resources, bestowing it upon those we deem “worthy.” How we decide who’s worthy? That’s in the eye of the beholder, but it seems worthiness is measured by looks, money, or status. The more a person has of those “qualities”, the better (generally) a person will treat her. Perhaps it’s rooted in some belief that these qualities are contagious: by befriending those with status, we will become more beautiful, powerful people by association. Sounds fun – who wouldn’t like beauty, power and praise? But is that how you judge a person’s worth? Is that how you want someone to judge your worth?
I can only answer for myself, but what I have or look like at a given moment in my life is not the totality of “me.” At most, it reflects what I value. But it doesn’t reflect my value. I’m sure it does in some people’s eyes. I often feel that my relative worth changes depending on whether a person views me as a poor woman, a black woman, a sick woman, an angry woman, a journalist or a powerful attorney. Is any one of those people more deserving of kindness or compassion and praise than another? Many people seem to think so. As for Smiley, she’s learned better than that. She’s learned to keep her shallow judgments to herself and treat everyone she meets with respect. You might be tempted to brush her off as a ditzy reality show pageant queen, but if you did you’d miss the lesson behind Smiley’s bright-white grin. The pageant queen showed us all what makes a person truly beautiful.
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