Dear Mr. J:
Your probation officer called. Well, I
think it was your probation officer. I’m not sure. All I know is
that the man said “I bet you didn’t think I could find you while you were on
vacation. Well, you can’t run from the long-arm of the law.” I hope you
get in touch with him.
I hope you get in touch with Susy too.
She seems awfully nice. She also you sent you a great Thanksgiving
greeting. So did one of your pals in Pennsylvania. And here’s
a sweet text from a friend of yours in Texas: “Dreams are visions
inspired by God. When He puts them in you, expect Him to fulfill
them.” It seems you’ve got a lot of nice friends.
Then again - some of your friends are whores,
if this text is any measure: SING IT! "Oh the weather outside is frightful,
warm sex sounds so delightful, when there's no one else you know! TEX a ho! TEX
a ho! TEX a ho!" She can't spell but I've got to give her credit for
her enthusiasm and marketing skills.
You’re quite the popular guy. By the way, are you
hiding from some of your lady friends? Someone calls almost every day
looking for you. I don’t know who she is – or even if she’s a she - I don't answer. But she’s persistent, so I suspect it’s a girlfriend of yours. A few
weeks ago a woman called and when I answered, she hung up. She called
again, asking for “Donny.” Seems she’s awfully sweet on you. She
seemed disappointed that you took off without giving her a way to reach
you.
Mr. J – can I call you Donny? – take it
from a woman. It’s not nice to run away from women. Be a man
Donny, tell the truth. Maybe you’re handsome, charming, great in bed, but the ladies will get over you. Just
tell the truth: you’re married, or in jail, or both. Oh, and you’re
broke.
Your creditors are stalking you – especially
that bank out in South Dakota. I’m afraid your time is up to take
advantage of their special offer to “work things out.” That’s a
shame. Well, there are lots more creditors where the South Dakota
bank came from. They like to call too, often. Maybe one day you
should call them back.
Well Donny, I’m not good at these things, so
I’ll make it short and sweet. I’m dumping you. It’s not you,
it’s me. I’m tired of taking your calls. I’ve changed my
voicemail: “This is Dwana Bain, if you’re trying to reach Donald J,
this is not his phone number and I do not know him.” I hope that
will clear things up for your probation officer, your girlfriends and your
creditors. I’m sure I’ll get a few stray calls now and then but I’m not
relaying anymore messages for you.
OK, I’ll give you just this one more message,
because I even though you annoy the hell out of me, I feel sorry for you.
Physical therapy called. You’re approved. I’m glad to
hear it – I know those appointments are hard to get. Goodbye Donny.
Stay out of trouble.
Take care,
Dwana
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